We Need More Gays

by Kidman J. Williams

We need more gays in this world right now. Our world is in desperate need of their whimsical humoristic cattiness and their fluent disdain for boring clothes. We need more lesbians coming out of the closest and heading onto an Olivia Cruise, adopting wonderful children that need a good home, and we need the whole LGBTQ to spit in the collective faces of the Christian Right. Why? Because we need them. Let me rephrase that. The planet Earth needs them to step up their game.

The human race are cousins of the Blattella Germanica. In layman’s terms for those of you educated in Pence’s Indiana or by your moronic Trumpster parent who refuses to send you to school because of the “gay agenda,” that means German Cockroach. What I’m saying is that humans come in, take over, consume, and overpopulate the habitat that we are occupying without a regard to the natural order. Look what the Christian fundamentalists did to the Native Americans who were abiding by the natural order of things.

Let’s face the facts, humans really know how to mess up a good party. Civilization has been on a 6,000-year-old party and it is nearing fight o’ clock. It is almost closing time and we know nothing good happens at the bar after 1:00 AM.

Landslides, wildfires, heatwaves in Europe, Recessions, climate changes, food shortages all over the world, and a population that will be reaching 8 billion people by November.  In 1950 the world’s population was at a mere 2 billion people. We have been doing nothing but growing steady since 1960.

These Christian Capitalists seem to want to keep growing and farming more potential consumers to fill their pockets until we are all just about to eat one another. They attack the LGBTQ in droves, even condemning Disney for accepting their rights to life, liberty, and happiness. Remember these similar types of Christians were the same peoples who thought slavery was just a part of good commerce.

Our growth in population seems to be coming to a head. For you Christians, there was a reason God stopped allowing humans to live for 900 years. People’s fear of death and greed has our planet at a crossroads. We are beginning to live longer through medical advances and our greed has consumption at an all-time high and here they are screaming about how “gay ain’t the way.” Sounds kind of catchy, like “if it ain’t white, it ain’t the Alt-Right.”

The LGBTQ isn’t evil. They aren’t trying to convert your children; gay is not a conservative religious group that needs your money tax free. It is a sexual preference; it might also be a defense mechanism, a natural order, a way to survive and thrive. There is an old saying. OK, it isn’t that old, I just came up with it. If the dick isn’t in you, why do you give a fuck?

According to sources, the population of the LGBTQ has doubled in the last 10 years. In 2012 the population was at 3.5 percent. Now in 2022 that population is at 7.1 percent, still under the population of ancient Rome who had to usher in Christianity to ensure population growth.

The growth has been astounding in millennials and Gen Z where the number has not increased much with Baby Boomers, Gen X, and traditionalists.

With all of our population growth paired with companies destroying our ability to produce more food by needing more housing, we are going to go from minor inconvenience at the grocery store to starvation in a very short time frame. Many predictions have this event occurring around 2050, some as early as 2030.

Who can save our civilization from extinction by way of starvation? The gays can save us!

 It may take some generations to curb the progress of population growth, however it will manage to do it. People and a good plenty of congressional conservative closet cases will come worming their ways out of the closed doors and wave their fabulous flags high in the air. They will see the error of having children and the high cost of raising a bratty child who won’t respect you until they have their own little consumer that doesn’t respect them.

The population will slow down enough for production to keep up. The governments will be able to slow down the growth in a way that doesn’t infringe on people’s rights. They won’t have to limit the amount of children a family can have and Catholics won’t have to worry about preaching against birth control. The sexual switch might even put the Vatican out of business ushering in a more enlightened group of religious zealots.

My God! We could end up with a female, gay, minority President of the United States! Even crazier, the world might end up beyond fabulous!

Here’s a brain churner for all of the conservatives who might read this.

There is an old joke about a preacher during a flood:

A huge storm covers a small town and it begins to flood. The waters rise and the town preacher was on his porch kneeling and praying. People came by in a small canoe telling the preacher, “Better come along, the water is gettin’ high Preacher!”

The Preacher says, “No No, God will save me.”

The water begins to quickly rise and the preacher is now on the second floor balcony praying to the heavens as a small fishing boat comes by. The man in the boat says to the preacher, “Come on preacher, get in my boat. The water is rushing in.”

Again the preacher waves off the help of his neighbors and says, “I will stay here and God will save me.”

Now the waters are reaching an all-time high and the preacher was standing on the chimney of the home when he sees a helicopter dropping a ladder. Through a megaphone they call to the preacher, “Come on Preacher! Grab that ladder and we will get you to safety.”

The preacher calls back, “Don’t worry about me. The Lord will save me.”

The preacher drowns.

He goes up to Heaven and is standing in front of the almighty and asks, “Lord, why didn’t you save me from the flood? Am I not a good man? Do I not follow your word?”

God shakes his head in disbelief, “What more did you want? I sent you two boats and a helicopter.”

What if they are disrupting God’s plan by enforcing their interpretation of God’s laws?

I’ve been saying through this whole piece that we need more gays. What if this is the reason for the increase in the homosexual population? The Bible itself merely speaks about sexual excess and continuing lineages when it talks about homosexuality. It never actually states that you will go to Hell for being gay.

It is possible that the rise in homosexuality could be our two boats and a helicopter? Time will tell on this old rock we call Earth.