A brave new normal, or: typing with a broken hand

artwork by Karene Horst

With ropes and pulleys, drills and coil, with steam and lubricating oil — for twenty years of tear and toil — they fought that awful peanut-butter sandwich” (shel silverstein)

I am in a world of shit” (full metal jacket)

by Douglas Ross Patterson, Gonzo Today contributor

Sometimes a woman’s voice can manifest itself into a screw-worm and enter a man’s ear canal and burrow all the way to the center of the man’s brain, to the most vulnerable and dangerous part: the amygdala. The worm then presses the man’s rage button and typically violence ensues.

And that was the basic scene a couple of nights ago when my wife decided to take issue with my constant consumption of beer and television. i resisted the worm for a while and then it pressed the button and i suddenly became overwhelmed with a desire to destroy something. i considered my wife’s nose and jaw, yet i decided to punch the bone of our contention: the television. You can’t really punch a beer.

i won the fight but i think that one of the small bones in my right hand is broken. i will have my disgraced-doctor-friend lars take a look at it.

And now that the television is dead i can take the time to catch up on my reading and writing.

Television is like crack and heroin mixed together … especially during election season.

And that brings us to the real reason for this scree; on election day america is going to get fucked … NO MATTER WHO WINS.

And you can take that shit to the bank motherfucker.

Let’s do a little thought experiment. If we apply the quantum concept of multiple parallel dimensions to the current election and political environment we can discern two potential outcomes that will affect the world greatly.

artwork by Karene Horst

In one reality joe biden wins and the democrats sweep the house and the senate. What does that mean? Well, for me, not shit because i live like a hermit who’s been transported here from 1921, but for the rest of you it could finally become a serious and strange new welfare state that takes its orders from the overlords in silicon valley and this will be permanent. biden has promised to out-spend any president who has come before him (well, he’s reading the words that have been written for him to say and the people who are writing the words are the people who will be pulling the strings if he wins).

Censorship of information that poses a threat to “the agenda” will no longer be criticized, in fact it will be praised. (We are already seeing this in our current reality, but more on that later). Abortion will become mandatory, the age of sexual consent will be lowered to 11 years old, the borders will open to any degenerate that wants to come and sleep on the streets of a major city (free tents and a food-stamp card and clean needles will be provided). We will go to war with someone, syria? The corona virus will go away. joe biden will respectfully step down after about 3 months and your girl mala will become the first woman of questionable ethnicity to be president of the wretched usa … etc … ad nauseum.

In our other reality trump wins and the republicans hold onto the senate and take back congress. Total control; they have the scotus too. What does that mean? Well, for me, bragging rights and a front-row-seat to a fucking shit show. First of all let me say that i don’t think donald trump has an ice cube’s chance in hell of winning this election, what with the potential of voter fraud stemming from this stupid mail-in balloting. But we’re pretending … so, what would happen? We can only speculate, but i would say: the corona virus will get much much worse and shut-downs will become ubiquitous and those fucking masks will become mandatory. The economy will be destroyed. The media and the dnc will wage some sort of war on trump and try to get him deposed. Race riots. Assaults and assassinations of right-wing politicians and pundits. 24 hour shit-talking from npr, cnn, msnbc, cbs, nbc, abc, et. al … basically it will be like it has been for the last 4 years and the crescendo of insanity will rise and rise until heads begin exploding and some sort of bloody coup takes place.

But don’t worry folks, the dnc and their masters have engineered the most efficient method of voter fraud since the times of boss tweed and tammany hall. trump is doomed and so is biden. We are entering into a slimy new reality and the only good thing is that i am too old and indifferent to be affected by any of it. It’s all a joke, and i learned how to take a joke a long time ago. i have the great fortune to be the laird of hungry acres. hungry acres is an inland island, an autonomous zone where the only law is natural law or the golden rule or don’t fuck with my shit and i won’t fuck you up. i pity those who have to live in the garbage heap that america shall become.

Ok … so i need to discuss one more thing: Q-ANON. From what i understand Q-ANON is some sort of internet forum where trump supporters enjoy discussing various conspiracies and ideas about what’s “really going on.” Apparently one of the main topics of conversation is the possibility that influential people aligned with the dnc are part of some sort of satanic-pedophile-blood-cult. It sounds fucking sexy and hard to believe and normally i wouldn’t give it the time of day, however the news outlets that serve as the mouthpiece of the left are going out of their way to call those that associate with Q-ANON a bunch of crazy lunatic conspiracy theorists … which they very well might be … but with all of the information coming out about epstein and such … Where there is smoke sometimes there is fire, or so the indians used to say before they would rape the pioneers’ children. Nothing will surprise me ever again. i’ve seen too much. i’m totally desensitized. Numb.

And so, i guess that’s it. Sweet dreams motherfuckers.

Gonzo Today
About Gonzo Today 566 Articles
The official admin user of Gonzo Today