Bob Saget Dead – God, You Are One Lucky Bastard

by Kidman J. Williams

“Well, just remember when children seem the least lovable, it means they need love the most.”

– Bob Saget

“Jared, don’t fuck a goat. You hear me, son? Because a goat – no, listen. No, fuckin’ listen. Put it on receive, dude. A goat… why am I attacking you? I have no idea. It’s a mode of choice. But a goat will eat a tin can, they’ll eat fuckin’ junk. They’ll chew it up. Have you ever watched ‘em? They eat shit. And they will eat your junk right off Jared. And you will be junkless. And you will have nothing, you’ll have like a tit – a tin plate, where your – a tit plate. You’ll have a nipple where your dick was, and you will be fucked.

– Bob Saget

Bob Saget was an anomaly. I feel like I should rephrase that. Bob Saget IS an anomaly. I feel that the distinction is appropriate. I know he is dead! I’m not an idiot, that’s why I’m fucking writing this.

Danny Tanner (Saget) said to Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) in the episode ‘The Miracle of Thanksgiving’ something very profound and pertinent to this. He said about his dead wife and Jesse’s sister, “Talking about it, that’s what helps me. Talking about the memories. That’s what keeps her in your heart.”

Bob Saget will live forever because none of us will let his spirit die. He was the loving clean freak on Full House and he was everybody’s freaky uncle that always makes their grandma quiver with disgust. He touched our hearts and that gross little midget that hangs out in our bowls smoking a cigar. You know the guy; he is the one that laughs inappropriately during a funeral because the priest said the deceased loved to play his organ at the church.

I grew up with Bob Saget. I didn’t know the man personally, though I have had a couple of quick conversations with Dave Coulier on Instagram about hockey. My whole generation grew up with him. He was our TV dad. Much like Mike Brady was for our parents. Danny Tanner was the pillar of morality.

Then we got older and really came to find out who Saget was as a comic. I think we all realized it the very second we were old enough to watch Half Baked. The movie starred Dave Chappelle. As soon as we saw Daddy Danny Tanner stand up during an NA meeting and declare to all, “Marijuana is not a drug! I used to suck dick for coke! You ever suck dick for marijuana?”

That was an eye opener. That was like walking in on your parents having gorilla sex on top of the kitchen table with a dildo hanging out of your dad’s asshole. It was quite a therapy inducing type of experience. Much like gorilla kitchen half gay sex between your parents, Saget’s comedy caused later perversions too.

This was truly the brilliance of Saget. Bob Saget was just that guy that could tell you a corny dad joke to a cat video on America’s Funniest Home Video and then tell you to suck his “hundred million dollar cock” or sing you “Danny Tanner Was Not Gay.” Maybe you preferred his hit song “My Dog Licked My Balls?” The man was a genius!

These are the things that us normal spectators know about him. To get a sense of the man that Bob Saget was, you don’t have to look much further than his TV family. He seemed to have nothing but love in his life.

Jodie Sweetin who played his middle daughter, Stephanie Tanner took to social media:

“There aren’t enough words to express what I’m feeling today. Nor are they big enough to capture even a slice of who he was. One thing I do know is that we never missed a chance to tell each other, ‘I love you.’ Every time we talked, there were at least three or four exchanged at the end of a conversation, whether it was text, phone call, or in person. And he usually had to have the last word, ‘I love you more.”

John Stamos who played Uncle Jesse said:

“I am broken. I am gutted. I am in complete utter shock. I will never ever have another friend like him. I love you so much Bobby.”

Dave Coulier (Joey) also said:

“My heart is broken. I love you, Bob. Your forever brother, Dave.”

His loved ones describe a man who was full of love. He loved every minute of life. A respectable man that was inappropriate at times with his jokes, but it was always done with love for those around him.

Saget was found in his hotel room at the Ritz Carlton in Orlando Florida. At this time, his cause of death is unknown. His death was a shock to everybody in this world. Betty White, sure. She was almost 100. Sidney Poitier, he was 94 years old. Saget was just 65 years old. I think I can safely agree with Stamos on his Instagram, none of us were ready to say goodbye quite yet.