By: Teddy Fuentes
The trauma that led to me creating “Steve” was sexual, imposed by a male bodied demon in the night. My youthful entwined with chemical bonds mind could not process that level of grime and self hatred mixed with Fear.
Just recently I have began to heal from this trauma that happened 10 years ago. First I took a mighty shovel and dug through all the traumas stacked heavily on top of Him, almost melting into him like a collaged monster of everything I always feared and hated. Him who stole my most sacred Virgin/Virgo truth.
He was so deep beneath a decade of hurt, I could still feel his thunderous ruminating impending doom thumping, even with ethanol seeped deep in my DNA.
He who ravaged me sat twiddling thumbs with Steve down under. He whispers into Steve his own Self.
Then Steve comes out unabated. Ready to destroy.
Only opiates striking him like dull needles prodding for peace tamed the lingering feeling of wanting to murder the rapist who robbed me of my most formative years .
This is my not so much anymore secret. I harbored a disgusting shame and pain for so long that the Trauma and Disgust came out through me.
This is the Steve forever inked on me like the Mark of the Beast.
On the back of my neck as to not remind me that the despondent broken child is still there.
“You cannot hide from Him but you can try.”
And me in present time? I am plainly and acutely aware of schizophrenic, disassociated, and bipolar tendencies I project to those around me.
The psychiatrist told me “You think strange.” Her words piercing and knocking at the door where Steve used to lie ready to strike. He came out through the voluminous stark tone I used to dissuade her presumptuous belief that I was as orderly as a sentence.
I, or something within me, felt so much hatred towards her that I cannot believe I apologized for my behavior.
That was Teddy, me, being humble, graceful, and weak to the touch of others misgivings.
You see, I have worked all of this out myself and through human connection. Through the sober and hyper sensical experience of Living through Love of the Self.
I have faced trauma that I couldn’t even say the name of without going dead in the eyes.
The numbness of sexual trauma is unforgiving and a downward spiral.
But I want to tell you about Us.
About the personality and self protective facets that I carried around like powerful identity disorder weapons and were ones that only lacking sustenance or Upper Substances led me to invoke them.
I will not speak in the third person because I know that writes me off.
Why do we feel such a deep need to express the intricacies of our Selves?
Because we are galaxies and only upon sight are we real. No longer imagined. Traced to the origin and delved deep for understanding.
I want that. I want to shake the label of rotten; shake off this duality within me.
I am whole. I am one. I truly feel this now.
You’ve got to understand, Steve and Teddy are but names used to describe the Positive and Negative forces within my being.
Neither means any harm, and only harnessing all of Me can I find balance to succeed and lead a healthy fulfilled and royal life of abundance.
You’ve got to understand.
You have to think of the Love you have for the soul and release Your unseemly paranoia that a hidden truth within our carnal person is a murderous lie. That this “evil lie” purposefully and consciously is shoved deep into the bowels where self destruction and outward violence sleep in the first cycle.
You’ve got to understand.
We manifest ourselves when we want to connect. To connect with our pure and innocent selves. The One’s we were when our Mother birthed us from her own flesh.
We want to reattach ourselves to feel rebirth.
Human and intro spatial connection is the tonic of the split and unsure soul.
You’ve got to understand.
The only thing toxic about having a side(s) of your self is burying them deep like rotten cast offs bathing in hellish emotion.
I encourage all of you to dig deeper than the surface of your fears, anxieties, and insecurities of life and death.
I condone Healing, Balance, and letting the corpses of all troubled painful past reincarnate before us and dance.
Dance with us to atone for our perceived mistakes.
Dance with us to create a vibration that is sync with who We truly are.
Dance to cleanse the door of you from the sign that tells your personal Steve to “fuck off and die.”
Invite Steve and all your righteous demons to go on a walk, long and in nature. Cry into each other’s orifices and let it sink in. Cleanse yourself through directing the hurt where it truly lies deep within you. Berate all sides of you. The one who is sad for the pain, the one who hurting lashes out, the one who ignores all of the above and the one who loves you.
Then forgive. Forgive and never forget.
Let this introduction be a friendship of growth and not a goodbye.
Please, don’t let your selves die before letting your Self live truly Free.
Holistic healing is an act of love to thy self, the soul, everyone around us, the world, and the universe.
Healing is a painful ritual that I give six hundred sixty six stars to and Highly Priestessly recommend.
PS I achieved this level of perception about my trauma and Steve through two hours of Mediation. ????