Fear & Loathing at the Doctors Office

By: Kris Khatchikian

I’ve always been taught to trust the man in the white coat.

The man who has my age in experience with the human body! A true genius if one were to ask. Yet with each harassing passing day, I find myself cursing these disguised dealers that each have their own advertisement.

I keep going back to that day when I met that doctor. Little did I know he would ruin my life yet change it forever. I believe it was around 2010, I was 16 years old, and experimenting with lots of cocaine and mushrooms. I guess you could say I was a delinquent as I started smoking weed at 13.

I was sitting at the couch with 2 of my best friends, CJ and Donnel. It was a Saturday night and we had decided to do shrooms. We weren’t virgin to the magic mushrooms or psychedelics for that matter. We did them quite often. Mostly shrooms and some salvia.

During this time in my life, I still felt the world was safe and simple. Just high school, girls, and our parents to worry about, but I found the world slowly unraveling and not making sense anymore. I learned a lot of things, but at that point I hadn’t a clue what they all meant.

This is where the doctor who had both ruined my life and opened my eyes comes in.

This doctor taught me the true nature of the world and human nature, and how twisted and fucked this world really is. I had shed my cocoon. It was like taking the red pill in the matrix. I had gone down the rabbit hole and now my eyes were open to the truth. To most, an epiphany like this would be scary, but this is where my experiences with shrooms and even salvia helped me too understand.

I had to flow with the universe and not fight against it. I was a part of it. These people around me weren’t happy, this slimy doctor wasn’t happy. They’ve all been brainwashed or so it seems. Stuck in their safe little bubble, seeing and believing only what they want and have been told.

“Unhappy? Here have these. Can’t sleep? Here take this. Oh my god you mean you wake up tired? I don’t like those symptoms, were going to start you on these.” Then when the bastards got you hooked on all sorts of weird meds that you have been on for months they suddenly mention the side effects are hell, can also kill you, and whatever weird shit there is.

It seems they would rather put you on a drug that’s cure is worse than the disease!

These are the commercials where it’s all smiles, nice music and nasty side effects spewed at the end by some calm voiced bimbo. Side effects can include headaches, loss of limbs…death?! Hum ok. I’d rather choose the potentially addicting medication that is guaranteed to work and has its known side effects, which are not death or loss of limbs…Such as a benzodiazepine.

The side effects with long term benzo use is dangerous but use at your own discretion and for me personally, I’d rather go with the benzo then a drug that can kill me instantly. Apparently death, high or extremely low blood pressure, loss of limbs etc. is the better side effect compared to having to slowly taper off( which is only necessary if taken over a few months) a safer, potentially addicting medicine such as benzodiazepines according to the doctors.

I have a friend who has been on methadone maintenance for 4 years now. He hates it worse than when he had to buy opiates off the street. He would Wake up sick every morning. Praying someone’s got something smokeable or injectable on hand to take away the sweat that was like frost on his back, his shaking hands which make him seem like he’s been on a 4 year crack binge and a strange musk which only other junkies can sense.

The desperation, the hate, the sickness, the overall feeling of knowing how bad you fucked up your live, it’s a very depressing thing and after this many years it steals ones soul.

How did this all happen? At 17 his mom caught him using oxycontin, which he barely used. Maybe 40 mgs every few days and that had been going on for a year. Believe it or not his use actually went down.

Now this is where my hatred for doctors goes further, as it ruined our very strong friendship which to this day I still miss. This doctor had somehow thought it would be a good idea to give my best friend, sorry let’s call him” Jim” for the stories sake.

The doctor decided to give “Jim” the strongest opiate commercially available. Fentynal patches.

Now for you that don’t know what Fentynal is, it is a painkiller 100 times stronger than morphine, and it just so happens you can smoke the gel from them like he loved to so much with his oxys. I already knew doctors were drug dealers but I didn’t think they would be cold as they were to my friend, or at least this specific normal general doctor.

Doctors should wear black coats like Death! This doctor wasn’t even a pain specialist; we don’t have pill mills here in Canada either (pain clinics). Anyways Doctor death ended up raising his dose a week later to the strongest patch. Then cut him off a year later which ended up ruining that poor bastard’s life.

This is when he had to go back to buying off the street with his newly acquired super tolerance thanks to Doctor Death. And to ballpark it, One patch can go for over 200 dollers.

I had recently learned Jim got back on methadone and has been clean from other opiates so decided to see how he was doing. We ended up hanging out at his place, started smoking some bong and started talking.

I was confused with Jims whole life and situation. He was complaining about his methadone appointment again, but his stories from buying off the street sounded like hell. I asked him why would he prefer that over waking up and going to the pharmacy every day to get your methadone drink, and at this point since he was clean he had a week’s worth at a time so he didn’t have to even visit the pharmacy anymore except once a week.

”Four words” Jim said. “They’re fuckin’ liquid handcuffs. I can’t go anywhere for longer than a week, pee in front of a two way mirror once a week and have to meet up with a cunt of a doctor who knows that were screwed and are now his slaves.”

We kept talking “society has swept us under the rug with methadone, all they want is crime rate down and to give us the cheapest substitute they could find”. Jim kept talking but at an increased speed and intensity “the fucking withdrawals are 30 days if I were to quit this junk and heroin is only a week at its worst, they fuckin’ have us trapped dude”.

I finally saw where he was coming from. He was now forced to be on methadone. The way methadone works is it lasts so long and you take it every day it builds up your tolerance, so no other opiates work except in extreme quantities. So he was basically trapped to take this horrible shit, and this horrible shit only. Or waste 200 dollars to feel “normal”.


I had to ask him why he went back this drug dealer doctor who provided the handcuffs, and he murmured under his breath “When you’re in hell, the devils the answer”.