America: The Land of the Chic and the Home of the Depraved


As I sit around musing over today’s latest charades, I can’t help but feel a bit nauseous over this fine fucking mess we’ve made. Yes, we’ve really done it this time folks. In the left corner, she is undisputedly the most reviled woman in the world, the wicked witch of the “left” herself, Hillary Clinton. And in the right corner he is bronzer than your daughter and moves bullshit like a farmer, Donald Trump. What an unsurprising, uninspiring carnival this promises to be.

What we have before us is truly unprecedented in at least one sense. Both candidates almost certainly going to be running for president in the fall are by far the two most hated candidates to ever run for the office. Not really the best look for America, but here’s the one thing I don’t quite get. Why is it that we keep taking this out on the candidates?

Certainly, the corporate coffee shop networks like CNN love to debate the morality of Donald Trump or the likability of Hillary Clinton, but to be honest that gag is running a bit tired. Obviously nobody gives a flying shit about Donald Trump’s morality or the general concept of common sense to begin with, and clearly Hillary Clinton is, as she once labeled President Barack Obama, “likable enough.”

My question is simply, why? Why is it that we’ve settled and become accustomed to being taken as such incessantly faithful dumbasses to the establishment creating the whole system that you so passionately think you’re fighting against? It’s the common belief that “government doesn’t matter,” or “my say doesn’t really matter,” that breeds a culture of profound and almost prideful laziness where we’d rather keep up with Kris Kardashian while eating a McRib than take five seconds out of the day to read a newspaper or even think about reading a newspaper.

To be fair, most of American history is littered with stupid decisions much like this one. We’ve had our fare share of disgracefully bitter elections and numerous boobish celebrity brand candidates over time. It is profoundly obvious today that people have just simply stopped caring about being active participants in their lives. Curse the mindless drones.

Who does vote for these dishonest shitheads? A man who is so inherently repulsive, serving as a liaison and spokesman for all the indecent morons that sputter out of society’s asshole like last night’s Chipotle. A man who instead of rebuilding roads promises to build a wall that would be a truly fitting symbol of the moronic excess this culture has cultivated. Who in good conscience could cast a ballot for Donald Trump and see nothing more than a spoiled brat? In many cases, it’s the men who believe that minorities would rather sit on their ass and collect welfare checks than make an honest living. “Who’s side are you on? ” “Whomever is blaming the brown people.” It’s amazing how quickly we are to rally behind the racist, and it’s even more absurd that Donald Trump has somehow convinced the former, current and future generation of insufferable white dudes that somehow they have become the oppressed in America. Listen to yourselves.

And a quick message to all those who are “Ready For Hillary.” I know you Liberals think that Barack Obama’s Presidency has been all sunshine and rainbows, but choosing this lesser of two evils is almost going to insure that we have an eternity of sunshine after our planet dries up like a sharpie marker without its cap. And believe me, it takes a truly exceptional ignoramus to misplace a cap you can stick on the other end. I’m certain that all of the fake left is going to adore black people’s favorite hawk since Dominique Wilkins as she crusades throughout the Middle East causing unspeakable levels of mayhem. Oh you brain-dead sons of bitches. Those who cannot see that this piece of American royalty is nothing but a puppet for all of the insane, deranged, cruel and dishonest people working to piss on your very existence, you have truly lost your soul and should consider embracing your fullest decent into madness. I promise you, you’d be doing all of us a really big favor.

I’m certain that there are still a small number of rational people left occupying my inner circle so allow me to close with some advice. I realize the temptation is large to fall into the mob, I mean fuck, what’s more fun than a pitchfork, a torch and a little chaos just to liven up a Wednesday? Except the thing is, we’re really the ones that are going to be forced to clean up this mess. While the great underwear stain of society cast votes that “make you feel safe,” at night we’re the ones who are going to be immeasurably unsafe due to your decisions while you descend into the realm of old-age homes and adult diapers. Yes, it’s still about you, but perhaps the greatest indecency of the entire human race is believing that we don’t all have an obligation to look out for everyone else, especially the generation you birthed into this consumerist, degenerate society.

To the rest, the ones who will wring their hands to watch all the blood ooze between their fingers, the ones who believe in wrapping themselves in the American flag while giving it a handjob, the ones who represent all of the cruel, self-absorbed and vile behavior that has swamped our culture, go fuck yourselves.


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