By: Kidman J. Williams
It is an inevitable fact that men not only pleasure themselves, but we enjoy it. We enjoy it so much that even when we are getting the humpty hump regularly we are still dating our hands. We’ve all known women that tell their men that masturbation is cheating. Well, that’s just not true! It has nothing to do with women. We are just slutty taint-pirates by nature. We as men treat our special man with only the utmost respect and when “he” stands up we listen to our Commander and Chief.
The question that comes up is how much do men masturbate? How many miles does the average man put on his penis in one year? I’m sure the number lies somewhere between muscular jock to mathematical genius. We’re going to take our figures from the average C+, all American, self-loving slacker.
- 1. You need the average penis size in America which turns out to be 5.5 inches.
2. Your average male yanks himself 2 times daily.
3. The average man takes about 40 strokes to ejaculate. (sorry ladies)
Now that we have those figures we also have to remember a few things when figuring this out. You have to remember that (very important) you can’t count one stroke; you have to take into consideration that one full stroke is up 5.5 and down again when you are talking about converting to miles. On a cars tire, reverse still counts doesn’t it? You wouldn’t try to just keep pushing up inside a woman? Eventually you’d just end up puncturing her pancreas, but we will get back to the essential information we need.
1. There are 12 inches in 1 foot.
2. Remember that there are 7 long days in a week, with 52 weeks in a year.
3. There are also 5,280 feet in 1 single mile. This one is very important.
Given this basic information we can now start to figure out how many miles the average pervert puts on his pecker per year (try saying that 10 times fast). I’m not counting the actual intercourse. There is no way to know how much sex the average male really is getting, because the average male lies about that. Surprisingly the average male doesn’t lie about how much he masturbates; lucky for us.
(5.5 x 2) x 40) x 2 = 880 inches
(880 x 7) x 7 = 6,160 inches
6,160 x 52 = 320,320 inches
320,320/12 = 26,693.33 feet
26,693.33/5,280 = 5.06 miles per year
There you have it! The average male puts 5.06 miles on his pocket rocket every year. This doesn’t even account for sex with a blow-up doll, or a pocket pussy, or even a real girl! Now remember men, a penis is not like a tire; you can run out of tread, but unlike a tire you can lube your tool to avoid nasty friction and deterioration. You only get one penis, so take care of the little general or he may start a war that you will definitely lose.
Editor’s note: being literary types we were unable to verify Mr. William’s calculations, but considering his years of experience we are confident his information is accurate.