by Charlie Seller
I tuned in late to the Republican Presidential Debate on Fox Business News but just in time to catch Carly Fiorina promise to repeal Obamacare and open the market for insurance companies to compete for our business. I have no idea if this would be a good thing or not but if she has anything to do with it I am sure someone is going to get fucked and it ain’t her. The part that bothered me most is the way the woman says the word “why.” It sounds like whhhy. Sort of like Stewie from Family Guy. She didn’t answer the question first time around and after two bells was asked again, and I paraphrase, “How do you propose to help small businesses affected by Obamacare?” I do, however, remember her saying the words “repeal it.”
Adroitly throwing around big numbers, Ted Cruz said his tax plan calls for the elimination of your enemy and mine, the I.R.S.
Jeb Bush said his highest priority is taxes. He is the kind of guy my Dad would have called “faggy.” I know better – Jeb’s just rich. He’s still slamming poor little old Hillary Clinton in a bid to establish himself as the “front runner” to an arranged marriage.
Marco Rubio promised a pro-family tax code. Rand Paul called it welfare. The two went at it. I’m not sure I understood what it was about. Rubio was talking defense. Rand was talking about new programs that he said can’t be paid for. The bell rang and suddenly Ted Cruz was back. It reminded me of tag team wrestling. Back to Fiorina, then Trump. Kasich was ignored. 50 minutes in and these guys were slugging it out.
The commercials come on. I am uncomfortable with the notion that I have just had smoke blown up my ass with a leaf blower. I trust none of these people. They are like snakes slithering over each other in a mating frenzy.
Ben Carson was asked if he supported the president’s move to have 50 Special Forces in Iraq and leave 10,000 ground troops in Afghanistan? Ben said we needed to show Putin who was boss but never answered the question. None of them do. Normally, when an explanation is required, most people answer a question first. Not so here. I call it Politspeak.
Trump called for cooperation with Russia in the fight against ISIL. Jeb shook his head and spoke out of turn. Jeb was beating the war drum. Carly doubled down saying she wouldn’t speak to Vladimir Putin. She called for military exercises in the Baltic Sea. The crowd goes wild! Yay! The audience wanted a Hitler. Someone who could whip them into a frenzy. The words barely matter. The posturing was on its way.
At 10:30 p.m. Trump asked why Carly Fiorina kept interrupting everybody. Rand Paul was talking out of both sides of his mouth. The man is a geopolitical moron. The particulars involve the notion that “[we] pushed back Assad and ISIS filled the vacuum.”
Finally allowed to speak, John Kasich made the most sense outlining his foreign policy but he’s not playing to the mob. He fizzles, the outsider.
Carson was asked if big banks should be broken up. He had to be asked twice and after a 3 minute oratory he says “no.” Ben is subdued. He looks as if he’s treading water and getting tired. I am getting tired. Ted Cruz attributed income inequality to big government. Then he told us a story. He reminds me of a televangelist. Would he let banks fail? “Yes.” He didn’t bat an eyelash.
I was watching the clock. It all comes down to whose brand of bullshit you want to buy. For my money it was the guy who said the least, John Kasich, who sounded the most coherent although I disagree with anything he says after “I’m John Kasich.” It’s not bad enough to dance around a question. What the candidates did was throw out angry missives and ambiguous policies. They sounded a lot like a drunk sewing circle having a bad hair day. Carly Fiorina spoke in the third person vowing to “take our government back.” My stomach turned. Ted Cruz was plugging his website tedcruz.org. Marco Rubio asked that folks visit his website, too. Ben Carson said in the 2 hours of the debate $100,000,000 had been added to the national debt. Ok, I guess Ben was tired, too.
The one thing they all agreed on was that there should be no raise in the minimum wage.