A Handle On Truth
And this is the part in the Dream when I Fly
The part where I can easily look people in the Eye
And hear my Truth, Buzzing, Outside my Mind
This Time
The Irony of How Silent the Truth Is
The Illusion of Depression that All Truth is Silent
The Illusion of Mania that the Truth Must Be Shouted
The Tragedy of Schizophrenia that the Truth is Whispers in the Dark
The tragedy of OCD that the Truth is When You Check Enough
The riddle of Sociopathy that Truth is What I See It As
The riddle of Borderline that Truth is Only Temporary
The Truth of the Matter is That
Those Who Mind Don’t Matter
But Those Who Matter, Don’t Mind
No Mind is Spared
From the Journey of Seeking Truth
I’ve Lived my Life Scared
That I was Missing Some Truth
And that She Was Against Me
The Truth Is
The Truth Lies
Right Behind Your Eyes
So Start Looking Into People
For Answers
Start Thinking Outside for Solutions
And Start Seeing the Truth
Without Confusion
–
The study of Physics
Is the study of Death
The absolute interaction
Between the many forces
Which control the movement
Of our Planet
And everything on it
And around it
Perhaps it is called
The study of Death
Because Life isn’t a priority
Or a variable, at all, really
Nope
It’s just a mere Incidental
Physics
Though lacking Life
Does not lack Laws
It has many Laws
Like for Every Action
There is an Equal
And Opposite
Reaction
You can absolutely
Count on that
Although you may not see the reaction
Or expect it
It’s still there
To use a present example
For every forceful entry of my ex-boyfriend into my house
There is my reaction of Fear
To every moment of Fear
In my Mind
There is a Reaction of Bravery
And Problem Solving
Fast
Unlock phone
Go to Contacts
Look up Police Department
Listen to Prompt
Press Motherfucking Zero, Bitch!
Please!
Don’t make me have to fucking LISTEN!
I’ve got a codependent man child
Having his bi-monthly temper tantrum
Escalated to an uncertain point of rage
Plus he hasn’t been laid in over a week
He’s got anger issues
And he’s punching the walls
Three feet from my Head
And you want me to Use Motherfucking
PROMPTS?!?!?!?!?!
“Yes, I’d like to report a Forced Entry”
“No weapons involved”
Ain’t it Funny, Honey
How that time you stood
Toe-to-toe with me
And boasted an inch on me
Is coming in handy
Right about now
So is that ugly fucking jacket
That I hated so much
I memorized its features
You see, Darling
All of your shortcomings
Make you an easier target
When you fall short
Of Sanity, Bub
And whine like a baby
After I close my door in your Face
The same door
You’ve been aggressively knocking on
For an hour
WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK
THAT THIS IS FUCKING JUSTIFIED?!?!?!?!?
Because I know you feel Justified
In taking me
In violating me
In all the wrong ways
My Life
Isn’t a priority to You
It’s not even a variable
Nope
It’s just a mere incidental
Unfortunately
These poor kind of choices
Are still actions
And for every action
There is an equal and opposite
Reaction
And my Reaction
Was to call the Policia
And get you banned from my house
But I no longer feel safe
In my New Room
Going on Week 3 Today
I might as well not even bother
To hang my Bettie Page poster
Gotta keep moving
I’d rather have inertia of progress
Than inertia of rest
I am a beautiful collage of actions
Upsetting a stagnant pit
Of stuck
I don’t always control my Reactions
But when I do, I don’t get Fucked
Over
So badly
This time
I control
My actions
My reactions
My Life
Is My Priority
You
Are no longer a priority
You’re no longer even a Variable
Nope
You’re just a mere Incidental
–
The Flight to Freedom
Those first few moments when you lift off the ground
Just before it was so noisy and now there is no sound
Just whirring, that urrrrrrrrr noise the plane makes
It permeates your head phones, just like your old mistakes
I keep telling myself—you’re fine, you’re flying
I keep telling myself—-they were wrong, they were lying
And now you’re at twenty eight thousand feet
And they’re still smoking cigarettes in the street
Trying to figure out who’s the next guy they’re gonna meet
Those girls that pointed at me
Those girls that laughed at me
Those girls that stole from me
And told me, I deserve it
“You see, you look like you’ve had everything in life handed to you”
“You’re a pharmacist, I shouldn’t have to tell you about HIPAA”
“That outfit’s cute.” “That outfit’s too short.”
“You crossed the line. You can’t take your coworkers out for a beer.”
“I think I have an idea of what’s wrong with you.”
“It’s Bipolar II and here’s some Latuda.”
I can’t sleep with my legs feeling like they’re going to fly away from me”
“You can’t break up with me, you’re manic right now.”
“You’re a bar whore, always will be.”
“I don’t know what Ashley’s doing” Says my coworker
“You see, you look like you’ve had a really easy life. And a lot of us around here have had shit lives.”
“We grew up poor.”
“I can’t believe you spent that much on a handbag.”
A girl once hunted me down
Got off work
Straightened her hair
Stomped into the bar I could always be found at
Someone asked her, on the way in, “Hey ____, how ya doin’?”
“I’m fucking pissed.”
She comes up to me, asks sweetly
“Hey can I talk to you for a sec?”
I get up
I don’t know why I got up
I’m still fucking mad at myself that I ever got up
To talk to her
It was my Friday night
I put my forty hours in
I straightened my hair, too
“YOU NEED TO BE BETTER WITH HIM!”
She screams to me about my then-boyfriend
The one who would tell me, I act like a child
The one who would call me a Cunt
Because I wouldn’t let him break into my house and yell at me with out, you know, complete cooperation
On my part
Do Better
Be Better
I am always wrong
I am always ridiculous
I am always out of control
I should always be doing something else
I should always be doing something better
I kept hearing that
Until the point that
I no longer believed I could do anything
“You’re acting like a child”
“You made better decisions when you were 18” my Father said
“I can’t believe you called the cops on him” says my roommates
“You couldn’t just talk to him for five minutes?”
“He said he only wanted to talk to you for five minutes”
“Is there any way you could just give him his CDs back?”
Ask the cops, who I called, to stop the fist banging
On my wall. Two feet from my head.
You know? I am so grateful for that
I am so fucking grateful
That one so blatantly violated my boundaries
Because for the first time from since what seems like puberty
I found myself saying
“I don’t deserve this.”
“I don’t deserve this.”
“I don’t deserve this.”
I deserve
A midnight kiss
Soft, tender touches
Just like this
I will never miss
The codependent behavior
Them thinking that I’m their long, lost, sunshine
And my thinking they are my savior
I am done with text messages that get louder, and more frequent and more CAPITALIZED
When I don’t text back within five minutes
I am done with being punished for taking too long in the bathroom
I am done with being fucked to the point that I bleed
Asking him to stop
“You gotta tell me in the moment, baby”
“I did. You won’t hear me.”
“Get on your knees.”
“You have issues communicating with people in general.”
“HE OPENED UP HIS HOUSE TO YOU. AND A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULDN’T DO THAT FOR YOU. BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE, DON’T LIKE YOU!”
“You’ll sleep with anyone, won’t you?”
“He gave you money and you’re here drinking?
I mean, how much money did he give you?”
“So I heard you came unleashed last night and if you don’t stop being disrespectful to staff, I’m gonna have to go to [my married boss I’m fucking] and let him know.”
“The bartender told me it’s time for you to go.”
“You have to go home for the night.”
“Just say what you have to say. It’s not like I’m gonna read it anyway.”
“I don’t want to see you lose your job.”
“I’m getting really tired of you saying stuff you don’t mean.”
“GO IN YOUR ROOM, ASHLEY. JUST GO IN YOUR ROOM AND DO WHATEVER IT IS THE FUCK THAT YOU DO.”
“Do you think you can be out by June 1?” my landlord texts me May 13
“Ya it’s no problem, my friend’s just getting married that weekend,” I reply
“Your residency is not a real residency”
“How much weight did you lose?”
“Your gallbladder is fine. Just pee in this cup.”
“With one phone call I could ruin your life.”
And then finally, a question
“Are you a Good Witch? Or a Bad Witch?”
“Here’s a bible, honey. I keep one close to me all the time.”
The kindness
In the most unexpected places
The whirring
The permeating whirring
Of your old “mistakes”
Of your own pain
I mean now there is no sound
But before it was so noisy
So many people yelling
Telling me I’m doing it wrong
Telling me I need to be better
Telling me I need to change
But now I’m at 28,000 feet
Far away from that potholed, salty street
I’ll keep saying hi to everyone I meet
Cause honey, that aint gonna change
I’m not gonna change
I don’t need to change
For you
For anyone
Nope
Instead
I just keep delighting over the truth with myself
“You’re fine, you’re flying.”
