All of the name calling, spit-firing and he-said she-saids have led up to this first step in ending this clown show we’ve called a presidential race. Tonight is the famous Iowa caucus. Of course you already know that, unless you’ve had your head stuck in a hole for the past few weeks. I’m going to do my best to write this little screed in real time as my night unfolds. I’m not going to keep my eyes glued to the news the entire night, I’ll already have a headache in the morning so there’s no need to give myself one tonight. But I’m going to check in throughout and see if my predictions hold up. I’m not going to tell you who I hope wins. Are you crazy? That’s far too personal. But I will tell you that I shit twice today and I’m getting $200 back on my taxes.
I just poured myself a drink and put on my Bob Marley record. In times like these I need something to take the edge off and someone to tell me over an over again that everything will be alright. I’m still not exactly sure when the voting starts. They’re running on Iowa time out there and I haven’t the slightest clue how that works. Let me flip through the channels.
Well, no luck there. I don’t have cable and rely solely on good old fashioned rabbit ears to keep my television connected to the outside world. Out of the six channels I can get to come in clear enough to watch, my options are slim. Nothing on but “primetime” shows and unfortunate documentaries. I guess I’ll have to check my phone.
Ok. After only 24 percent reporting, Cruz leads Trump by an ass hair and Rubio is pulling a strong third. Hillary is up on Bernie by about three percent. You know what I just thought of? We refer to the Democratic candidates more so by their first name and the Republicans by their last name, or at least I do. I wonder why?
Damn, I just checked again and now 48 percent have reported on the Democrat ticket. That was a quick jump. The results are still the same though. Poor ol’ Martin O’Malley is trying to surge with 0.5 percent and climbing! I’m gonna need another drink for this, I thought Martin had it in the bag.
Ok, Bob Marley isn’t cutting it for me right now. It’s crunch time and I need something heavy to get me pumped. Let’s see what my choices are… Well, it looks like Aerosmith’s Live! Bootleg album is about as hardcore as my record collection ventures so I guess I’ll work with what I’ve got.
My tv is still going, it’s just on mute. That new show called Lucifer is on. I watched the first episode and it wasn’t too bad. People have told me that it “isn’t as good as the comic that 0it’s based on” but I have never read the comics and I don’t give a rat’s ass. I just checked the results again. Nothing has changed. Damn it, I told myself I wouldn’t let this control my night. I’ve got other writing I need to do. This was supposed to just be a simple exercise to get my mind turning and my keyboard warmed up. Now my mind is spinning and my laptop is hot on my lap. Granted, one of those may be the result of the drinks I’ve been making. Just checked again. Hillary is still winning and Cruz is still winning and Trump is probably verbally berating someone as I type. Rubio isn’t too awful far behind, which will probably surprise a lot of people and my man Martin has spiked to… no wait I just refreshed the page and he’s back down to 0.5 percent again.
This stress is killing me. I’m going to take a minute to step outside, enjoy some fresh air and gather my thoughts. I’ll be right back (BRB as the hip kids say it.)
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While I was out the “Back in the Saddle” could be heard blaring through my screen door and I got to thinking, “What if Obama could run again? Would he win? Would he use that song for his campaign? It’d be a good one.” For crying out loud I can’t get away from political jibber jabber running amok in my head. I’m going to put on another record. Night Moves by Bob Seger is always a solid choice, yeah, I’ll do that. Checked the results again. Couldn’t help myself. Martin may be smelling a comeback. A whopping 0.6 percent of Iowans have declared that they see him fit to be our next president! Hillary is still winning but Bernie is still nipping at her heels. Oh God, “Night Moves” just started playing about the time I typed Bernie’s name. Now all I see is Bernie dancing a private jig for his wife tonight after all the dust settles. Wearing nothing but a smile and a worn out pair of briefs with the waistband far past his belly button. Yep. Time for something different.
The Republican race is actually heating up with 62 percent of polls reporting. Only about seven percent of voters separate the number one and number three man. It’s silent in my house right now. Not because of election tension but because every song I try to play is being haunted by Bernie dancing to it. What in the hell made me think of that? Goodness gracious this drink ain’t strong enough. I’m stepping outside again.
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While I was out there numerous bad choices for songs came into my head to envision Bernie dancing to. “Dancing Queen” by ABBA, “Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani, “Dirt Off Your Shoulder” by Jay-Z. Shew, I’m just going to put on some Dwight Yoakam and forget these thoughts ever happened. Let’s check the poll results, shall we?
As per my source, 80 percent are reporting so far and Bernie is almost exactly one percent behind Hillary. Boy, wouldn’t it make for good news coverage if he came back and won by something like 0.1 percent or something wild like that? Then again, it would make for good news if Donald Trump took a shit on a New York sidewalk. Speaking of Trump he’s damn near close to falling behind Rubio. And I’m damn near out of a strong enough beverage to keep me from giving a big enough damn to matter. So let me refill that and let my dog out to do my business. I’ll be back.
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Shoot, it’s nice outside to be the first of February in Kentucky. I just looked up the weather and it’s gonna be even nicer tomorrow, almost 70 degrees. But not to let us get too comfortable, it’s going to drop back to 32 degrees on the day after that. That’s how life goes in the Bluegrass State.
I just read that Martin O’Malley will suspend his campaign. How on earth will the news stations find anyone to cover if they aren’t talking about Martin? Television just won’t be worth watching anymore. I just don’t think the media could cover someone like Trump or Hillary and get the ratings they crave. It’s a damn shame.
Shew! I made that last drink a tad bit stout. Time to crank up the Dwight and piss off the neighbors!!! After tonight I want them all to think that I am, in fact, a “Honky Tonk Man.”
Well, hell. My good timin’ two-step was just interrupted by the news that Cruz won. Bernie is still trailing and last I checked Martin O’Malley is still standing by his campaign suspension.
I may be trailing off a bit here but isn’t it sad how divided we actually are as a country around this of year? Slap D or R after someone’s name and they’re automatically a friend or foe without a simple “how do you do?” We call ourselves the United States of America although our actions depict us as none of the such. What do other countries think of us when they see this show going on? What should we think of ourselves? That puts me in the mood to write a poem about all of this, and I think I will after I finish my riveting coverage of tonight’s events.
Speaking of which, let’s check the results.
Holy shit in a hand-basket! This Democrat race is close. Hillary 49.9 Bernie 49.4. He may actually dance a jig tonight after all. I have never been this enthralled by an election before. Probably because the last election I was just a year into me being able to drink legally and I was too busy trying to think of a reason to have a party on a Monday night at my house. I’m quite a bit calmer nowadays, unless you play me some good honky tonk music. Next election, I’ll be in my thirties and I’d rather not think about that right now.
I think it’s time for Hank Jr.’s Greatest Hits to be played. I could listen to Trump speak about his loss tonight but Hank is prettier.
Martin O’Malley is still at 0.5 percent in case you were wondering. I’m giving him a hard time tonight but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was picked up for VP. He really did speak some sense in the few seconds he got to talk during the debates.
In my opinion, this vote tonight has opened the race up even more for anyone to be able to win. Rubio didn’t win but he did much better than people thought he would. Cruz, Trump or Rubio could easily claim victory. It’s still up in the air as to whether or not Bernie will win but he’s shown that he is an actual contender against Hillary and that’s more than a lot of people gave him credit for. It’s still a long way from November but as of right now it looks like it’s going to be an interesting and ugly show. The nice guy gloves come off when the nitty gets gritty. Let’s check the numbers again.
Bernie is still down but by veeeerrrryyyyy little. With 91 percent of polls reporting, it won’t be long now. I’m going to step away from the keyboard because I’m going to either start rambling about some sort of nonsense or typing out lyrics to a Hank Jr. tune. My fingers are too tired for that right now. I’ve been going at this for two and a half hours. To be honest, I wish they would call the damn thing already so I could stop.
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49.8 to 49.6 Hillary still up. 93 percent reporting.
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Listening to Bernie speak right now.
His average contribution per person was only $27 dollars in case you hadn’t heard.
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Ok. I’ve throwing in the towel for the night. You don’t need me to tell me you who wins. By the time you read this, if you get this far down the page, you will have already known all that you need to know. I need to drink a Gatorade, take some Ibuprofen. I have to be at work in the morning. I’ve also gotta write that poem I mentioned earlier.
Happy voting, folks!