GonzoToday
  • Pages
    • Front Page
    • Featured content
    • The GonzoToday Interview
    • Commentary
    • Poetry
    • ART
    • News
    • Travel
  • Music
    • Music videos
    • Music Reviews
  • Columns
    • The Publisher Pontificates
    • Greetings from Scranton
    • The Vinyl Vault
  • Fiction
    • Flying Trees Publishing
    • Books
    • Short Stories
    • FAN Fiction
  • Flying Trees Publishing
  • About
    • Our staff
    • About GonzoToday.com
    • Mission Statement
  • Submissions
  • Log In

TED CRUZ & THE EXPLODING UNIVERSE

January 14, 2016 Joe Coleman Fear & Loathing on the Campaign Trail, Front page, News 0

Tweet

tedcruz

After a heated Fall election, Canadian-born senator, Ted Cruz, is seated as President of the United States. Heidi Cruz, as first lady, promptly gets to business redecorating the White House to resemble a Texas ranch house. A fiercely loyal supporter of Israel, Cruz immediately appoints a recently retired Benjamin Netanyahu as Secretary of State – the Constitution be damned. I’ve often wondered why people like Cruz are so fiercely loyal to Israel. By Cruz’s strange logic, people that don’t agree with every action of the Israeli government are Jew-haters. I’ll give you an example of the Tao of Ted; “Those who hate Jews hate Christians. [sic] the very same people who persecute and murder Christians right now, who crucify Christians, who behead children, are the very same people who target Jews for their faith, for the same reason.” Those paying attention might have noticed that when presidential candidate Donald Trump suggested that the US ban all Muslims from entering the United States until “we figure things out”, Teddy Cruz didn’t exactly balk at the sentiment.

Shortly after Cruz is seated in the highest office of the land, a rift in the universe opens. A glowing, pulsating kaleidoscope of light hangs menacingly just outside the atmosphere. Suddenly, fans of the idiotic Left Behind series become thought of as the smartest people in this country. Hoards of smelly, nomadic children scour the land looking for the hideouts of the determined families they saw on the Discovery Channel show Doomsday Preppers. The camera pans to a close-up of five middle school-aged kids walking aimlessly down a suburban, asphalt road. The parentless children, when they have time to set down for a minute and relax, sit cross-legged like injuns and the leader, Connor, tells them to concentrate on their breathing as they try to remember each word uttered by a man wearing nothing but a tactical vest, his tighty-whiteys, and an AR-15. “Yeah, it’s comin’ back to me. Hang on . . . OK! That weird, gun-nut guy with the hot wife lives close to here!”

Because of President Cruz’s blatant favoritism towards Israel and the introduction of newly legislated mosque-surveillance programs, Muslims that before would have never thought of harming the U.S. now feel so isolated by their own country that they lash out in droves. There are suicide attacks almost daily in large cities like Phoenix, Baltimore, Sacramento, and Seattle. In 2018, an armed group of Iraqi expatriates places C4 at crucial structural points on the Sears Building in Chicago and reduces it to rubble. Afterwards, all Muslims in the United States are rounded-up and housed in The Mall of America outside of Minneapolis-St. Paul. Cruz places a call to George W. Bush, who is working on a particularly difficult painting of an orange tabby cat, and convinces him to head the new Department of Homeland Evangelical Defense. Because Secretary of Defense Ash Carter is killed in the rift opening event, the actor Jon Voight is pressed into action as SecDef. After all, Michael Bay’s Transformers is Cruz’s favorite film; none of that subtlety to get in the way of the action.

Fast-forward to Winter of 2020, the Internet has been broken for almost 2 years after Cruz and his Republican cronies passed legislation abolishing Net Neutrality. In the eyes of Cruz and his telecom lobbyist friends, Net Neutrality is just “Obamacare for the Internet “. Instead, Subscriber-Only Internet fast lanes and slow lanes are the rule of the day. For example, the Country Music Channel’s website is fast as greased lightning whereas Democracy Now’s website is slower than a 1995 America Online dial-up account. This annoys and bemuses the hacktivist group, LulzMaus, who vows to one day take their revenge.

It only took 18 months for the GOP-led Congress to break up all of the unions in America, crushing the middle class. Vast wastelands of subdivisions spot the land. Legions of college students have to drop out and move back home with their parents, who are now struggling to merely survive. Economic disparity reaches a level not seen even in Colonial times.

It’s October of 2021 and there’s a rich spread at the Four Seasons Hotel in Washington, DC. Outside the darkened windows the streets lay deserted. Among white linen tablecloths and the sound of silverware hitting crystal, five important politicians sit at a large table made of solid walnut; Jon Voight, Ben Netanyahu, Attorney General Hillary Clinton, and Treasury Secretary Cheney. The main course for the night are the last Cornish hens in America served with the poached eggs of the once-again endangered American Bald Eagle. A blond, handsome waiter walks up to the table and sets the plates of rare delectables before them. Cruz says, “Dick, we really hit a home run with those unions, can’t have the pesky people suctioning-off all of our money.” Cheney responds, “Yeah, well . . . we still have to find a way to get rid of those nasty hacktivists.” As Cruz is finishing off a bottle of 1963 Montrachet his brain starts to hemorrhage, he drops his wine glass and shortly afterwards falls off his chair, convulsing. The blond waiter smirks and says quietly amid the chaos, “We are legion. We do not forget,” and walks away. Cruz’s body turns cold before the hen does.

Share :

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)

Related

  • Benjamin Netanyahu
  • hillary clinton
  • Kevin Kline
  • Net Neutrality
  • ted cruz
Previous

Morning of the Politically Correct.

Next

A Theory on Negativity

SUBSCRIBE TO GONZOTODAY.COM

SEARCH OUR ARCHIVES

Support GonzoToday.com by buying our books... thanks!

or purchase directly through Amazon.com

Music video vibe

“Blackbird” by Sir Paul McCartney

Featured Content

  • 5 Irish Beers That Are Better Than Guinness This Saint Patty’s Day

    March 17, 2023 0
  • Put Warren Zevon in the HOF NOW

    March 6, 2023 0
  • The News Mainstream Media Doesn’t Want You to See

    March 6, 2023 0
  • An Early Parade

    March 6, 2023 0
  • Grammys 2023 Brings Out the Best in Journalism

    February 12, 2023 0
  • A Trip Through Ocean City

    January 29, 2023 0
  • Martin Luther King Jr Died Twice

    January 19, 2023 0
  • So, about Sierra Drummond’s new song “Signs”

    December 14, 2022 0
  • Death of The Killer: Jerry Lee Lewis

    October 30, 2022 0
  • amethyst crystals

    A Sparkling Amethyst Tour in Uruguay

    September 15, 2022 0
  • Traveling Light in a Heavy World

    Todo esta muy tranquilo en Uruguay

    September 8, 2022 0
  • We Need More Gays

    August 8, 2022 0
  • Chapter 1 from The Community Garden … more than tomatoes are dying

    July 21, 2022 0
  • Corrupt

    July 18, 2022 0
  • Armageddon

    Glory to the Heroes

    July 14, 2022 0
  • Remembering Ryan Leone: Author, Filmmaker, and My Friend

    July 13, 2022 0
  • Don’t Run Again, Joe – Greetings from Scranton

    July 6, 2022 0
  • The Relevance of Elvis

    June 29, 2022 0
  • Knock Out Racism 

    June 27, 2022 0
  • Gonzo News Update – Sunday, June 26, 2020

    June 27, 2022 0

Hunter S. Thompson 1937-2005

Art
  • ART | How to paint like Ralph STEADman

    September 19, 2017 0
  • The Great Red Shark by Joey Feldman

    July 7, 2017 0
  • “People’s Fears” by Joey Feldman

    November 15, 2016 0

SUBSCRIBE TO GONZOTODAY.COM

Shorts
  • My Encounter with Hunter

    December 21, 2017 0
  • Drug Run | Chapters 1-10

    November 15, 2017 0
  • God’s Grace: An Abortion Story

    September 2, 2015 0
Music
  • Celebrating a Half Century of the Music of Frank Zappa

    June 5, 2017 0
  • Album Review: The Damn Truth’s Devilish Folk

    April 10, 2017 0
  • The Doors First Album and Mary Werbelow: 50 Years on

    December 30, 2016 0
Read more from our writers
The GonzoToday Interview
  • An Interview with Heathcote Williams

    July 7, 2017 0
  • A Quick Talk with Benicio Del Toro

    April 22, 2016 0
  • CIA Whistleblower John C. Kiriakou: the Gonzo Today Interview

    April 2, 2015 0

Copyright © 2023 | WordPress Theme by MH Themes

 

Loading Comments...
 

You must be logged in to post a comment.