After a heated Fall election, Canadian-born senator, Ted Cruz, is seated as President of the United States. Heidi Cruz, as first lady, promptly gets to business redecorating the White House to resemble a Texas ranch house. A fiercely loyal supporter of Israel, Cruz immediately appoints a recently retired Benjamin Netanyahu as Secretary of State – the Constitution be damned. I’ve often wondered why people like Cruz are so fiercely loyal to Israel. By Cruz’s strange logic, people that don’t agree with every action of the Israeli government are Jew-haters. I’ll give you an example of the Tao of Ted; “Those who hate Jews hate Christians. [sic] the very same people who persecute and murder Christians right now, who crucify Christians, who behead children, are the very same people who target Jews for their faith, for the same reason.” Those paying attention might have noticed that when presidential candidate Donald Trump suggested that the US ban all Muslims from entering the United States until “we figure things out”, Teddy Cruz didn’t exactly balk at the sentiment.
Shortly after Cruz is seated in the highest office of the land, a rift in the universe opens. A glowing, pulsating kaleidoscope of light hangs menacingly just outside the atmosphere. Suddenly, fans of the idiotic Left Behind series become thought of as the smartest people in this country. Hoards of smelly, nomadic children scour the land looking for the hideouts of the determined families they saw on the Discovery Channel show Doomsday Preppers. The camera pans to a close-up of five middle school-aged kids walking aimlessly down a suburban, asphalt road. The parentless children, when they have time to set down for a minute and relax, sit cross-legged like injuns and the leader, Connor, tells them to concentrate on their breathing as they try to remember each word uttered by a man wearing nothing but a tactical vest, his tighty-whiteys, and an AR-15. “Yeah, it’s comin’ back to me. Hang on . . . OK! That weird, gun-nut guy with the hot wife lives close to here!”
Because of President Cruz’s blatant favoritism towards Israel and the introduction of newly legislated mosque-surveillance programs, Muslims that before would have never thought of harming the U.S. now feel so isolated by their own country that they lash out in droves. There are suicide attacks almost daily in large cities like Phoenix, Baltimore, Sacramento, and Seattle. In 2018, an armed group of Iraqi expatriates places C4 at crucial structural points on the Sears Building in Chicago and reduces it to rubble. Afterwards, all Muslims in the United States are rounded-up and housed in The Mall of America outside of Minneapolis-St. Paul. Cruz places a call to George W. Bush, who is working on a particularly difficult painting of an orange tabby cat, and convinces him to head the new Department of Homeland Evangelical Defense. Because Secretary of Defense Ash Carter is killed in the rift opening event, the actor Jon Voight is pressed into action as SecDef. After all, Michael Bay’s Transformers is Cruz’s favorite film; none of that subtlety to get in the way of the action.
Fast-forward to Winter of 2020, the Internet has been broken for almost 2 years after Cruz and his Republican cronies passed legislation abolishing Net Neutrality. In the eyes of Cruz and his telecom lobbyist friends, Net Neutrality is just “Obamacare for the Internet “. Instead, Subscriber-Only Internet fast lanes and slow lanes are the rule of the day. For example, the Country Music Channel’s website is fast as greased lightning whereas Democracy Now’s website is slower than a 1995 America Online dial-up account. This annoys and bemuses the hacktivist group, LulzMaus, who vows to one day take their revenge.
It only took 18 months for the GOP-led Congress to break up all of the unions in America, crushing the middle class. Vast wastelands of subdivisions spot the land. Legions of college students have to drop out and move back home with their parents, who are now struggling to merely survive. Economic disparity reaches a level not seen even in Colonial times.
It’s October of 2021 and there’s a rich spread at the Four Seasons Hotel in Washington, DC. Outside the darkened windows the streets lay deserted. Among white linen tablecloths and the sound of silverware hitting crystal, five important politicians sit at a large table made of solid walnut; Jon Voight, Ben Netanyahu, Attorney General Hillary Clinton, and Treasury Secretary Cheney. The main course for the night are the last Cornish hens in America served with the poached eggs of the once-again endangered American Bald Eagle. A blond, handsome waiter walks up to the table and sets the plates of rare delectables before them. Cruz says, “Dick, we really hit a home run with those unions, can’t have the pesky people suctioning-off all of our money.” Cheney responds, “Yeah, well . . . we still have to find a way to get rid of those nasty hacktivists.” As Cruz is finishing off a bottle of 1963 Montrachet his brain starts to hemorrhage, he drops his wine glass and shortly afterwards falls off his chair, convulsing. The blond waiter smirks and says quietly amid the chaos, “We are legion. We do not forget,” and walks away. Cruz’s body turns cold before the hen does.
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