The Real Truth About the Ten Commandments

By: Connor Hoon

The Ten Commandments as laid out by the late great Charlton Heston have been a source of scrutiny. Especially the first five. The first five are the laws about God and the last five are for man.

You will notice that the last five are pretty much everything that man breaks on a daily basis. These rules are the basic laws laid out to lead a good life.

The first five are not neccessary in life. They are like the sub-rules about not masturbating. You just can’t subdue the human condition. If a man wants to not be Christian, he can! If a man wants to say God Damn, why the Hell not?

You don’t yell at the dog for being gay, don’t yell at gay men and women!

Here is the breakdown of the hypocrisy and utter bullshit that can be the Ten Commandments and the common sense that should be the Ten Commandments.

Thou Shalt Have No

Other God Before Me


Can you dig that shit? God tells you to put no other God before him. How can anybody do that? The Christian God was not the first God worshiped. Basically God walked into a Super Walmart and went through the aisles to get all of His milk, eggs, and went over to the bakery to get those amazing donuts. Then He came up to the line, decided it was too long and parted it like the Red Sea!

What the Hell is wrong with him?!? There were many Gods before him and he just comes in to declare everyone that he is the best like some loudmouthed wrestler going for the Heavyweight Championship of Gods. I don’t think he would have taken out all the Gods on Mount Olympus by himself.

Thou Shalt Not Worship

Any Graven Image


Well I guess everybody can just go straight to Hell then! Everybody from elementary schools to strip clubs have different idols ahead of God. And He hates that! As it is said, He is a jealous God, or is that just teenage God from the Old Testament?

Ronald McDonald can eat a fiery shit in Hell, sport mascots, every hippie with a Buddha in his smoking room, and all of the different religions around the world are going to get throat jammed by Satan and his cronies.

Thou Shalt Not Take God’s Name In Vain


This particular Commandment just confuses me. I know that you should always have respect for people, including your chosen God or Goddess, but is it really damnable?

Take the phrase “God damn it!” This phrase is a direct violation of the third commandment. Even though the phrase is really more of a call to action verse taking the Lord’s name in vain.

When a person is frustrated in some situation, like getting blue balls and is in physical pain and he tilts his head back and merely gives a simple grown, “God.” That really isn’t taking His name in vain either. The man is simply in pain and asking for help. That’s all. Simple as that.

Remember the Sabbath To Keep It Holy


This is a commandment that I and the rest of the Christian working world wishes was kept by people. Really it would make a lot of people very happy, especially when other religions do keep Sunday Holy.

Go ahead and tell your boss that you are a good Christian and you need Sunday off. See how far that actually gets you. It will get you put on the unemployment line a lot faster than God will put your boss next to Satan and his infinite inferno for breaking the fourth commandment.

Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother


This is good. This teaches good moral values. What if your Mother and Father don’t honor and respect the child? There are plenty of parents that abuse their children. There are parents that pawn their kids off on every babysitter they can. There are plenty of parents that use their kids to get money from the government and a higher tax return. Those kids have no business respecting their so-called parents. NONE!

Thou Shalt Not Kill


We will talk about this commandment. This one is particularly funny to me. I feel like this is one of the most forgotten commandments in the bunch; forgotten and compartmentalized heavily!

God simply put it that you should not kill. Sounds good. He didn’t say that, thou shalt not kill except in wartime for a bunch of money hungry anus puffers who are breaking one of the seven deadly sins feeding their greed. He just didn’t.

In God’s court of law by engaging in war the persons involved would be racking up numerous violations of God’s laws. Let me break this down for you.

(Keep in mind that by violating the Ten Commandments you are racking up some sin, violating the Seven Deadly Sins is like some serious Federal time)

  • Hundreds of counts of murder – direct violations of the Sixth Commandment
  • One count of greed – by fighting for a greedy cause you are guilty, breaking one of the Deadly Sins
  • Many counts of anger – breaking another one of the deadly sins numerous times
  • One count of Pride – By engaging in war you have blindly followed your pride and ignored your God.

God didn’t say anything about any points where killing was good, even though He Himself committed murder in the Old Testament.

Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery


You probably shouldn’t do this. It is never a good idea to cheat on people, but people do it every single day.

I’m all for a good time, but I have to cut some slack on Moses for bringing this one down. Don’t cheat on your wife or husband, not cool.

(See the Tenth Commandment)

Thou Shalt Not Steal


This is another one that people do every day. It doesn’t make it right, but they do. Good Christian people deny this one exists with justifications like, “What if your family was starving?”

Look you criminal, your family doesn’t need three Yoo Hoos, two packs of cigarettes, condoms, and a pack of blunt wraps!

This is one of the most basic ideas, this can in fact hurt people. You hurt businesses and the people that own them. You also can’t justify it by saying that you stole from a big corporation because they are greedy and have tons of money. You aren’t Robin Hood man!

Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness


This will hurt someone if you do it right. You don’t want to start rumors about your neighbor. It just isn’t a good idea to crap all over your neighborhood. You could get away with that more 2,000 years ago; there wasn’t social media, there was no recording devices, and people didn’t live in little culdesac in their tiny little subdivisions.

On top of that, you really don’t want your neighbor coming over and breaking your nose or shooting you if you’re in Florida or Texas.

Thou Shalt Not Covet


This is going back to adultery as well as not stealing anything. Even though this was covered earlier. People a lot of the time wrap this commandment up with not sleeping with your neighbor’s wife. You shouldn’t.

Even if she comes after you, you should probably not be a dick. The best way to go about sleeping with your neighbor’s wife would be this easy.

After she/he gives you the full court press, respectfully decline and tell her to give you a week. Go to your neighbor and tell him that you didn’t sleep with his wife, but that she is a little whore and tried to get you to sleep with him. It will be uncomfortable at first, but he will thank you in the end when he gets out of all that alimony because she is a street corner skank.

Now as you see the first five commandments of God are really just a bit of a footnote. They don’t really have much of a reason in the 2000’s. They just don’t. The last five commandments however are timeless.

The last five really just say…DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE! You don’t need to believe in God in order to be a good person…you asshole!

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