Based upon the satirical and entirely subversive shenanigans of Jennifer F. Knight for Gonzo Today
December 2016, Colorado, U.S.
The KDOG or “Keep Dogs Off Grass” Society is claiming ultimate responsibility for a latter-day prankster sort of movement that is rumored to have sprung upward from some deep, dark battalion within the Alt-Right’s Reactive Pet Resistance Party exactly one calendar day after Donald J. Trump was elected 45th President of the United States.
This subversive group of modern-day canine tricksters seems to have buried grassroots bones in Colorado, California, Nevada, Oregon, Maine, Massachusetts, Alaska, Washington, and the District of Columbia. The national KDOG Movement also appears to have strong underground ties to a couple of highly regarded mock or spoof religious organizations, namely the Order of the Dude (Pavlovian Dogs) and the Discordian Society (Manchurian Dogs), along with some relatively loose connections to the not-currently-active Fourth Amendment Foundation (Sleeping Dogs). And although these statements have not yet been substantiated by Gonzo Today, we believe them to be factual… for the most part.
Based upon a strong desire to embrace chaos and go with the flow amid an enormous hodge-podge of human hysteria post-election, it is rumored that the Centers for Canine Disease Control became deeply involved with the efforts of the burgeoning KDOG Society almost immediately. These rumors are false. The KDOG Movement is in no way associated with the Centers for Canine Disease Control. The C4CDC, recently de-popularized due to a sinister CT Scan Conspiracy, holds a strong desire for redemption via positive public relations after being accused by alternative media of Chipping and Tagging sick animals (canine and feline alike) and then giving the animals away to broken homes for an Orwellian sort of research program designed to spy on the poverty-stricken humans who adopted them.
“The KDOG Society abhors such behavior. It’s unspeakable… deplorable. We want no part of it. In fact, the C4CDC should be dissolved in its entirety as an organization, post haste.”
Your colorful Colorado correspondent retrieved several profound quotes from a small group of anonymous KDOG protestors during a rally held in Denver this past November right after the Movement’s initial uprising. There were at least 42 dog-mask wearing humans in black hooded sweatshirts marked with the KDOG Society logo marching on the Capitol that Saturday afternoon. And a small subset of those protestors donned German Shepard masks with black hoodies that simply read “JOURNALIST” in white block letters – these pen wielding pranksters (Watch Dogs) carried Alt-Right brand dog whistles in both hands, circling the pack of protestors with eyes and ears fixed mostly on police officers who were standing in strategic pairs, two-by-two, with arms folded in a veritable wall of disdain for the dogs and humans (and journalists) in participation. There were no arrests, just a lot of growling and a few aggressive snares.
“Give Weed a Chance” and “No Hope for Dogs on Dope! Keep Dogs Off Grass!” were the most prominent of protest signs in play that day.
People sometimes assume, because the obvious mission of the KDOG Society is to keep dogs off grass, this group means to somehow stand against the usage of cannabis or marijuana by canines, to include non-psychoactive CBD biscuits. This is a common misconception. In fact, not only does the KDOG Society believe hemp and any natural derivatives thereof should almost always be shared with domestic canines, they encourage and applaud such forward-thinking behavior by responsible adult pet owners in legalized states.
Unity and messaging are sometimes problematic within any fledgling society, especially during its first protest. A more unified message may have been delivered by holding signs that read “Keep [your] Dogs Off [our] Grass.”
During an interview with one KDOG protestor, there were claims that a former narcotics officer turned anti-drug-war activist by the name of Barry Cooper may or may not have been somehow involved with the recent launch of the national KDOG Movement. Barry was unavailable for comment, and a quick visit to his website (nevergetbusted.com) turned up no obvious connections to the group, but the website certainly warrants further investigation (reasonable suspicion).
Postscript: After a draft version of this story was somehow leaked to the Centers for Canine Disease Control, and in an apparent attempt at retaliation against Gonzo Today and the fully-regulated marijuana industry which spawned the publication, the C4CDC unleashed the following statement on Monday: “Communities across America are in a nightmare from canine crimes and the rampant marijuana usage being perpetrated by domestic dogs in some legalized states. The crime rate and dog trafficking cartel organizations have soared. 23% of all canine students in obedience training classes are doping while veterinary resources are being absolutely depleted by pot related emergencies. Drugged newborn puppies with Hemphysema are spreading a contagious new strain of kennel cough at an alarming rate. We are at a crisis point! Canine disease is at an all-time high because our dogs are on dope and their puppies are on pot.”
Some people will never learn.
Neither your colorful Colorado correspondent nor Gonzo Today has any comment on the C4CDC statement, because the thing itself speaks.
Jennifer F. Knight (http://bathtubjenn.com) is a Colorado-based gonzo journalist, podcaster, and part-time editorial consultant. She studied Rhetoric & Writing at the University of Colorado, Colorado Springs (for approximately 90 days) where she inadvertently became hooked on literature, music, comedy, weed, freedom and the American dream. Jennifer is also an ordained Dudeist priest. Knight can be reached by talk, text, email, or astral projection. She prefers astral projection.